Parmesan

It's not just you.

It's every reference to coupledom.

Ever.

It's every affectionate public display I happen to catch out of the corner or front of my eye.

It's every meaningless fuck.

No.

It's every one-sided fuck.

It's everyone who doesn't love me.

Shaved Parmesan is a theme in my life today.

But when everything hurts.

All the time.

And there's no way to fix it.

There comes a point when

everything

shuts

down.

Like a circuit breaker switching off.

I can't feel this anymore.

Therefore

I will stop feeling.

It's still there.

It's always there.

But it doesn't matter.

I remember what that feels like.

I remember how this works.

Real

Something about vertebrae crunching underfoot
And it doesn't make sense
No it doesn't make sense
But it's so beautiful it hurts
Just sitting here
Listening to those words
Those words like projectile vomit into the small plastic trash can backstage during a show
You held my hair
I'll never forget again
But now I have to go
I'm too afraid to feel this much
Too exhausted by feeling so much from so little
All the time
All the time
Always
Every single fucking moment of time extending into forever and ever and nothing
Remember that the world could explode and I would feel the same
But more at ease
My reactions would make sense then
When the vertebrae crunching underfoot
And the rain inside the bus station
And the snarling, foaming dogs
And falling bridges
And desperate declarations of love
And the horror
And the blood
And the beauty
And the terrible, terrible loneliness
When these things become really real I can walk calmly through the streets as they crumble and burn
Secure in the knowledge that I fit in this world
That I got something right
That I make sense
Until then I live in fear of these things
They creep into my vision and are gone before I can turn to look them in the face
Don't leave
I need your eyes to see plainly
And in return I will give you all the desperate declarations of love in the world
And the rain inside the bus station
And the brilliant flowers blooming in the clouds
And the secret and mysterious meaning in the corner of her lips
We will never speak to her or see her again
But I will tell you her dreams
I will draw her soul on white tissue paper so that you can fold it up and keep it in your pocket
The only real soul in the world
If you stay
And look
And tell me that souls don't exist
That we can't know her dreams
And it doesn't rain inside
And the crunching vertebrae are no more than tiny twigs and seedpods dropped by the trees in the park
And the bridges and streets are still there
And the world has not exploded yet
And I am not as alone as I think I am

Untitled

I love you like a bandage
Like a blood transfusion
Like morphine
no
Heroine
Ecstasy

I love you like the pain that tells me I'm still alive

I love you like murder
Like red on the floor
Rape
Violence

When I wouldn't eat...

When I wouldn't eat
They sent me to bed without supper

When I wouldn't sleep
There were chores at dawn

When I wouldn't work
They sent me to my room

…Where I sulked
So infinitely mistreated

Love Your Monsters

I'll be busy again this week

next week

for the next several years

unfocused

just doing things

anything

I can

to escape

but there is no escape

from myself

but the one I can't let myself take

always there

in the back of my mind

the unacceptable escape

the only escape

the ultimate failure

admission of weakness

game over

you lose

Must

Love

Self

Or

Die

Why should it be so hard? I'm a wonderful person.

cry it out

cry it out

just cry

sob yourself to exhaustion

you'll still be there at the end

it only feels like dying

it's not

it's just water

and salt

it shrinks the monsters

The Modern Echo

In the modern world Echo is not allowed to waste away

Modern women are too practical and strong to die so foolishly and romantically

The modern Echo bounces from Narcissus to Narcissus

Maybe this one will love me

Love me

Love me

…

Alone she is silent and empty and whole

A circle

Blank and complete

To speak to her is to fill her

To flow through her

To leave her is to silence her fullness

To leave her is to stifle her speech

To choke her until…

In ancient times she would die

Her love left behind to haunt valleys and cliffs

Today she cannot die

Death is failure

Death is weakness

She must become silent and empty and whole

She must try to remain silent and empty and whole

This time she MUST REMAIN silent and empty and whole

Innocent and forgetful

She must not hear you speak

Alone again

She is silent and empty and whole

Innocent and forgetful

Don't speak to her

Oh please god don't speak to her

Speak to her

Speak to her

Oh please god speak to her

Silent and empty and whole

Alone

Alone

Alone

…

One word penetrating the stillness

Sharp and clear

A jewel

To be reflected and repeated

One word

Your word

You

To be loved

And loved

And loved

From every angle

Every facet of meaning

Repeating

Repeating

Repeating

Forever

It feels like forever

Please, this time forever

Oh god no don't go

Don't leave me

Don't leave me in silence

Each repeating silence grows deeper

Heavier

Less circle

More hole

Please don't go

Please don't

Please

…

Let me die

Let me keep this word

This love

To repeat

Forever

To fill me in death

Don't make me live silent and empty not whole

Can't let go

Let go

Let go

…

The modern Echo cannot die

Cannot die like this

She lives on to love

And die

Again

Again

Again

…

Narcissus doesn't see

Can't see

An Echo loves more than a mirror

He dies and is free

He can choose

Chooses death in the face of love

He dies and repeats

Repeats

Repeats

…

Maybe this one will love me

Love me

Love me

…

Elsewhere

Elsewhere
There is freedom and love
Sex is both ubiquitous and meaningful
Fear is forgotten
There are trees everywhere

Elsewhere
You can jump off a building and miss the ground
Fly around all day
Just keep finding something taller to fall off of

Elsewhere
Thoughts swirl and interconnect
We are ready to face communion
Words are not merely defined

Elsewhere
There is hope and buoyancy
Good wins
The system works
There's a place for you
People will listen

Elsewhere
Pain signals growth
Healing
There is no stagnation
No bitterness
There is joy in the challenge of learning

I live in the Elsewhere
Leave Here behind
Come live with me in the Elsewhere

If I don't change I'll die

How foolish how foolish
Always to think that you
Don't care
When
If you don't care then
Why are you
Still here?
When
You don't owe me your
Time your
Attention they're
Mine or they
Have been
It's not fair
To you
To be so full of fear
Always needing to hear that I
Matter
Just leave it
Let
It
Drop

Oh god
I can't stop
And I know that it's this
That will drive you away
And prove my fear right
I must have the last word
I can't give up this fight
This fight doesn't matter
Fuck
Shit
Please
Shut
The
Fuck
Up

Free to go
But please
Don't
I'm changing
I'm learning
It's so
Hard
To change
And you're
Free to go
But please
Don't
I'm changing
I'm learning
It's so
Hard
To change
And you're
(if I don't change I'll die)
Free to go
But please
Don't
I'm changing
I'm learning
It's so
Hard
To change
And you're
(if I don't change I'll die)
Free to go
But please
Don't
I'm changing
I'm learning
It's so
Hard
To change
And you're
(if I don't change I'll die)

Melt

Fingers wrapped tightly
Stiff knuckles
Cracked skin
The sound of lakes freezing
Pry them open and loose
Melt

Explosion

Some explosion
Some creative explosion
Something
Something
When I trust myself
Destroying
Something will happen
Maybe next time
But no, right now!
It's happening now!
But for these walls
I can jump to see over
I can press my ear to hear…
Something
What is it?
What IS it?
There on the other side
It's mine
Like the walls
Destroy them!
I want fresh breeze and freedom
I want the horizon
But I'm safe
What good is safe?
What good?
No good
Good for hiding
Good for dying
Good for nothing
But I'm so angry!
Angry and afraid
More angry than afraid
Bored and fed up
Manic
Unfocused
Wasteful
Frustrated
Frustrated
Frustrated
Something will give
Something will change
Is changing
Is happening now
Will happen
There's more on that horizon
And beyond it
It stretches on forever
There's good and awe to fill a whole life
A million lives
All lives forever and always
Find it
Find it
Find it
Find it
Find it
Always

Stop killing yourself
Stop killing yourself
Wake up
Aware
Here
Now
Life is now
This is the edge of existence
Hold on!
And let go
Let go
Fall
Fly
Fall
Live
Die
There is nothing else

1, 2, 3 poetry

1, 2, 3 look at me

2, 3, 4 I want more
I always want more
Living is wanting more

3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10
Doing this and thinking this and feeling this again again again again

8, 9, 10 again again

Sensual Daydreams and Erotic Nightmares

I dreamt a dream, asleep this morn

And from another dream 'twas torn

The dream was good, the waking bad

Within this dream-within I had

I dreamt of you, dreamed half-awake

There blissful pleasure's form did take

I dreamt of you, that dream I'd keep

But woke while I was still asleep

There, someone else was touching me

Discovered most alarmingly

There, while I slept, there, in my room

A stranger, an unknown for whom

I felt no love and no desire

He was no man, he had no fire

Just grabby, slimy, childish lust

Groping hands, unwelcome thrust

A pleading, sycophantic air

With clammy skin and greasy hair

Limp and colorless and soft

Unclean odors float and waft

Grubby hands caressing me

Weak but clinging desperately

Invaded through my bolted door

Strength, only in wanting more

And though I scratched and kicked and fought

Escape was only gained in thought

Until my eyes again I ope'd

Still I am not as free as hoped

I feel his hands, I cannot move

Though wakefulness is real and proved

True senses penetrate this theme

The layers of dream-within and dream

And so it clings to waking light

The sense that something is not right

Meat

i am flesh

you are teeth

and in my hunger to be

devoured

i must accept my status as

meat in your mouth

chew slowly

swallow

or spit

Hate

I hate comics
I hate actors
I hate poets and playwrites
I hate dancers
And directors
And the ones who run the lights

I hate painters
I hate sculptors
I hate potters at the wheel
I hate editors
And cameramen
And those who change the reel

I hate roadies
And guitarists
I hate keyboardists the most
I hate bassists
I hate drummers
And producers can all roast

I hate novelists
And art critics
Philosophers can hang
Conductors
And composers
Lyricists bang bang bang bang

I hate costumers
Set designers
Properties managers
I hate talent
I hate promise
I hate theatre majors

I hate artists!
I hate business!
I hate math and scientists!
I hate doctors!
I hate lawyers!
And those damned evangelists!

If you're waiting
For a punchline
Well, too bad, I hate jokes too
I hate men
And I hate women
There's a chance that I hate you.

Collector of Secrets

I am the collector of secrets
Of sexual secrets
I seem to be passive
Lay back and take orders
The whole time I listen
Record in my catalogue
All your obsessions
In physical dialogue
Sting of your spank
Amplitude of your instrument
Words that you choose
The instructions you generate
How do you like it?
Record in my catalogue
Habit, technique
And instinctive reaction
And deep as you penetrate
I mine your secrets
Your sexual secrets
Become mine to confiscate

Oh my lovely, lovely friendies

Oh my lovely, lovely friendies
What a strangely beast I am
Coming on heartfull of warmness
Just to scamper off again

The madwoman in my attic
Burnt the house down just last year
I am her and I'm her keeper
Dreamy lovelies, full of fear

Oh my lovely, lovely friendies
I'm so cruel and I'm so mean
By not meaning to abandon
I'm not doing what I seem

The madwoman in my attic
She was ended just last year
I am her and I'm her killer
Dreamy lovelies, shed a tear

It's not about you

He was desperately confused.
(it's not about yoooouu)
His never-ending wrestling match with an insatiable and carnivorous sexual appetite left him constantly exhausted.
(it's not about yooooouu)
A starving lion who must dine delicately on the choicest of meat or not at all.
(it's not about yoooouu)
The analogy breaks down. Characters muddle and meld. It is about you, it's not about you.
(if I was a man I'd have a whole different set of problems… and also many of the same problems)

In wakefulness I live the dream

I'm happy so I cannot sleep
The triumph over hardships deep
Has left me feeling quite serene
In wakefulness I live the dream

So ask me not to droop and drowse
When all my spirit would arouse
My memory to relish in
Complete and near escape from sin

To suffer deeply as to sink
In bitterness but still to think
And bend emotions towards the light
Gives happy freedom peaceful might

The vines that grow from hardened ground
Yield smaller fruit, more sweet and round
When crushed and parted from the vine
Brings forth a more delicious wine

So bliss that grows in sorrow's shade
Tastes sweeter than joy ready made
And how can slumber cloud mine eyne
When I have drunk of such a wine?

My Darling (another version of 'Listen, Babe' written at the same time)

My darling
I've got monsters in me
And they're hungry
They're soooooo hungry
That I can't eat a thing
Can't swallow down a single bite

It's not food I'm needing
Food is a rock inside my stomach
Clench
Release
And clench
And HEAVE
Choke up pebbles, sand, and dust

But I can hear my monsters growling in my guts
Feel them clawing at my insides
Hollowing
Hollowing
Howling
Powerful with famine

And you
And all you others
Just my skin to hold them back
Thin, translucent membrane
And you smell so delicious
Noses pressed between the bars of my ribs


Those who have never felt these primordial beasts churning within them cannot comprehend the soul-cracking ache of devouring a lover.

They call it sin

I call it nature

Understand?

I'm the lion and the tamer
I'm the tiger and the cage
I'm the circus and the freak show
Business acumen and rage

I'm the door and I'm the porter
I'm the time and I'm the age
I'm the book and I'm the scholar
I'm the pen and I'm the page

I
Am
A self con tained e co sys tem and
If
You
In tro duce a new spe cies it will
Up
Set
The ba lance of my bi o rhy thms
(tick... tock... tick... tock...)

I'm the patient and the doctor
I'm the master and the slave
Both the mother and the infant
Both the digger and the grave

I'm the moth and I'm the candle
I'm the light and I'm the cave
Both my love and my beloved
I'm both particle and wave

I
Am
A self con tained e co sys tem and
If
You
In tro duce a new spe cies it will
Up
Set
The ba lance of my bi o rhy thms
(tick... tock... tick... tock...)

I'm the lover and the warrior
The dreamer and the dream
I'm the paint and I'm the painter
I'm the nightmare and the scream

I'm bewitched and the bewitcher
I'm the plotter and the scheme
I invented the inventor
I'm the cat who got the cream

I
Am
A self con tained e co sys tem and
If
You
In tro duce a new spe cies it will
Up
Set
The ba lance of my bi o rhy thms
(tick... tock... tick... tock...)

I'm the gift and I'm the burden
I'm the hunger and the meal
I'm the hard truth and the questions
I'm the answers that conceal

I'm the words that cloud your meaning
I'm the kiss you never steal
I'm the life and I'm the heartbeat
I'm the fantasy of 'real'

I
Am
A self con tained e co sys tem and
If
You
In tro duce a new spe cies it will
Up
Set
The ba lance of my bi o rhy thms
(tick... tock... tick... tock...)