Angie

Dear Mom,
I'm suicidal again. I tried to jump my car over the concrete barrier on the freeway today. I wanted to die in twisted metal, but I just busted up a headlight and scraped all the paint off the driver's side of the car. I never made it to the other side. I would have kept trying but I got pulled over. The cop was doughy and stupid. He thought I was drunk, but I passed the breathalyzer so he couldn't arrest me. I was kinda disappointed, someone in jail might have stabbed me. I could have bled to death slowly on the floor of the holding cell. I wouldn't have said a word. I wonder what it would feel like to bleed to death. Probably cold. Creeping cold. Starting with fingers and toes, they chill, then go all pins and needles like when your foot falls asleep, then numb. One by one these feelings creep up limbs towards the body. Then the stomach goes cold, and the face, the scalp under the hair, the throat, the heart, the brain…
I want to use someone. I want someone to be in love with me, but I don't want to be in love. I want someone to beg me to live, try to convince me I have a place on this earth, and I want to ignore him and die anyway. Nobody means the stupid shit they say when they're in love. Especially not men. And it's a man's world.
No one will ever love me. What you need to understand is that's not a cry for help, or bait for soothing compliments, that's a simple fact. No one will ever love me. I don't know what makes me so special. Just lucky, I guess.
I'm gonna go jump off a bridge.
Anyway, my plane gets in at 3:26 tomorrow afternoon, have Dad pick me up. I still need to wrap some presents before the party. I want to use the big scissors.
Happy Birthday,
Angie

Elsewhere

Elsewhere
There is freedom and love
Sex is both ubiquitous and meaningful
Fear is forgotten
There are trees everywhere

Elsewhere
You can jump off a building and miss the ground
Fly around all day
Just keep finding something taller to fall off of

Elsewhere
Thoughts swirl and interconnect
We are ready to face communion
Words are not merely defined

Elsewhere
There is hope and buoyancy
Good wins
The system works
There's a place for you
People will listen

Elsewhere
Pain signals growth
Healing
There is no stagnation
No bitterness
There is joy in the challenge of learning

I live in the Elsewhere
Leave Here behind
Come live with me in the Elsewhere

If I don't change I'll die

How foolish how foolish
Always to think that you
Don't care
When
If you don't care then
Why are you
Still here?
When
You don't owe me your
Time your
Attention they're
Mine or they
Have been
It's not fair
To you
To be so full of fear
Always needing to hear that I
Matter
Just leave it
Let
It
Drop

Oh god
I can't stop
And I know that it's this
That will drive you away
And prove my fear right
I must have the last word
I can't give up this fight
This fight doesn't matter
Fuck
Shit
Please
Shut
The
Fuck
Up

Free to go
But please
Don't
I'm changing
I'm learning
It's so
Hard
To change
And you're
Free to go
But please
Don't
I'm changing
I'm learning
It's so
Hard
To change
And you're
(if I don't change I'll die)
Free to go
But please
Don't
I'm changing
I'm learning
It's so
Hard
To change
And you're
(if I don't change I'll die)
Free to go
But please
Don't
I'm changing
I'm learning
It's so
Hard
To change
And you're
(if I don't change I'll die)

Melt

Fingers wrapped tightly
Stiff knuckles
Cracked skin
The sound of lakes freezing
Pry them open and loose
Melt