Sunday, August 18, 2013

Parmesan

It's not just you.
It's every reference to coupledom.
Ever.
It's every affectionate public display I happen to catch out of the corner or front of my eye.
It's every meaningless fuck.
No.
It's every one-sided fuck.
It's everyone who doesn't love me.
Shaved Parmesan is a theme in my life today.
But when everything hurts.
All the time.
And there's no way to fix it.
There comes a point when
everything
shuts
down.
Like a circuit breaker switching off.
I can't feel this anymore.
Therefore
I will stop feeling.
It's still there.
It's always there.
But it doesn't matter.
I remember what that feels like.
I remember how this works.

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Arch


Real

Something about vertebrae crunching underfoot
And it doesn't make sense
No it doesn't make sense
But it's so beautiful it hurts
Just sitting here
Listening to those words
Those words like projectile vomit into the small plastic trash can backstage during a show
You held my hair
I'll never forget again
But now I have to go
I'm too afraid to feel this much
Too exhausted by feeling so much from so little
All the time
All the time
Always
Every single fucking moment of time extending into forever and ever and nothing
Remember that the world could explode and I would feel the same
But more at ease
My reactions would make sense then
When the vertebrae crunching underfoot
And the rain inside the bus station
And the snarling, foaming dogs
And falling bridges
And desperate declarations of love
And the horror
And the blood
And the beauty
And the terrible, terrible loneliness
When these things become really real I can walk calmly through the streets as they crumble and burn
Secure in the knowledge that I fit in this world
That I got something right
That I make sense
Until then I live in fear of these things
They creep into my vision and are gone before I can turn to look them in the face
Don't leave
I need your eyes to see plainly
And in return I will give you all the desperate declarations of love in the world
And the rain inside the bus station
And the brilliant flowers blooming in the clouds
And the secret and mysterious meaning in the corner of her lips
We will never speak to her or see her again
But I will tell you her dreams
I will draw her soul on white tissue paper so that you can fold it up and keep it in your pocket
The only real soul in the world
If you stay
And look
And tell me that souls don't exist
That we can't know her dreams
And it doesn't rain inside
And the crunching vertebrae are no more than tiny twigs and seedpods dropped by the trees in the park
And the bridges and streets are still there
And the world has not exploded yet
And I am not as alone as I think I am

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

This. Now.

You could maul me, you could kill me, you could break me into pieces. But your beauty so distracts me that I only want to be with you.

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

No.

No. I don't want to tell it again. I want to keep it safe and secret and warm and hidden. It's mine now. I won't dwell on it. I want it secret from myself as well. Something sweet and soft hiding in my subconscious, casting a gentle glow over the darkness and fear hidden there. A loving Monster of the Id (for once).

I'll forget it. It never happened. And I'm happy for no reason.

Saturday, May 25, 2013

Untitled

I love you like a bandage
Like a blood transfusion
Like morphine
no
Heroine
Ecstasy

I love you like the pain that tells me I'm still alive

I love you like murder
Like red on the floor
Rape
Violence

Saturday, May 18, 2013

When I wouldn't eat...


When I wouldn't eat
They sent me to bed without supper

When I wouldn't sleep
There were chores at dawn

When I wouldn't work
They sent me to my room

…Where I sulked
So infinitely mistreated

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Love Your Monsters

I'll be busy again this week
next week
for the next several years
unfocused
just doing things
anything
I can
to escape
but there is no escape
from myself
but the one I can't let myself take
always there
in the back of my mind
the unacceptable escape
the only escape
the ultimate failure
admission of weakness
game over
you lose

Must
Love
Self
Or
Die

Why should it be so hard? I'm a wonderful person.

cry it out
cry it out
just cry
sob yourself to exhaustion
you'll still be there at the end
it only feels like dying
it's not
it's just water
and salt
it shrinks the monsters

Monday, April 15, 2013

The Modern Echo

In the modern world Echo is not allowed to waste away
Modern women are too practical and strong to die so foolishly and romantically
The modern Echo bounces from Narcissus to Narcissus
Maybe this one will love me
Love me
Love me

Alone she is silent and empty and whole
A circle
Blank and complete
To speak to her is to fill her
To flow through her

To leave her is to silence her fullness
To leave her is to stifle her speech
To choke her until…

In ancient times she would die
Her love left behind to haunt valleys and cliffs
Today she cannot die
Death is failure
Death is weakness
She must become silent and empty and whole
She must try to remain silent and empty and whole
This time she MUST REMAIN silent and empty and whole
Innocent and forgetful
She must not hear you speak

Alone again
She is silent and empty and whole
Innocent and forgetful
Don't speak to her
Oh please god don't speak to her
Speak to her
Speak to her
Oh please god speak to her
Silent and empty and whole
Alone
Alone
Alone

One word penetrating the stillness
Sharp and clear
A jewel
To be reflected and repeated
One word
Your word
You
To be loved
And loved
And loved
From every angle
Every facet of meaning
Repeating
Repeating
Repeating
Forever
It feels like forever
Please, this time forever
Oh god no don't go
Don't leave me
Don't leave me in silence
Each repeating silence grows deeper
Heavier
Less circle
More hole
Please don't go
Please don't
Please

Let me die
Let me keep this word
This love
To repeat
Forever
To fill me in death
Don't make me live silent and empty not whole
Can't let go
Let go
Let go

The modern Echo cannot die
Cannot die like this
She lives on to love
And die
Again
Again
Again

Narcissus doesn't see
Can't see
An Echo loves more than a mirror
He dies and is free
He can choose
Chooses death in the face of love
He dies and repeats
Repeats
Repeats

Maybe this one will love me
Love me
Love me

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Angie

Dear Mom,
I'm suicidal again. I tried to jump my car over the concrete barrier on the freeway today. I wanted to die in twisted metal, but I just busted up a headlight and scraped all the paint off the driver's side of the car. I never made it to the other side. I would have kept trying but I got pulled over. The cop was doughy and stupid. He thought I was drunk, but I passed the breathalyzer so he couldn't arrest me. I was kinda disappointed, someone in jail might have stabbed me. I could have bled to death slowly on the floor of the holding cell. I wouldn't have said a word. I wonder what it would feel like to bleed to death. Probably cold. Creeping cold. Starting with fingers and toes, they chill, then go all pins and needles like when your foot falls asleep, then numb. One by one these feelings creep up limbs towards the body. Then the stomach goes cold, and the face, the scalp under the hair, the throat, the heart, the brain…
I want to use someone. I want someone to be in love with me, but I don't want to be in love. I want someone to beg me to live, try to convince me I have a place on this earth, and I want to ignore him and die anyway. Nobody means the stupid shit they say when they're in love. Especially not men. And it's a man's world.
No one will ever love me. What you need to understand is that's not a cry for help, or bait for soothing compliments, that's a simple fact. No one will ever love me. I don't know what makes me so special. Just lucky, I guess.
I'm gonna go jump off a bridge.
Anyway, my plane gets in at 3:26 tomorrow afternoon, have Dad pick me up. I still need to wrap some presents before the party. I want to use the big scissors.
Happy Birthday,
Angie

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Elsewhere

Elsewhere
There is freedom and love
Sex is both ubiquitous and meaningful
Fear is forgotten
There are trees everywhere

Elsewhere
You can jump off a building and miss the ground
Fly around all day
Just keep finding something taller to fall off of

Elsewhere
Thoughts swirl and interconnect
We are ready to face communion
Words are not merely defined

Elsewhere
There is hope and buoyancy
Good wins
The system works
There's a place for you
People will listen

Elsewhere
Pain signals growth
Healing
There is no stagnation
No bitterness
There is joy in the challenge of learning

I live in the Elsewhere
Leave Here behind
Come live with me in the Elsewhere

If I don't change I'll die

How foolish how foolish
Always to think that you
Don't care
When
If you don't care then
Why are you
Still here?
When
You don't owe me your
Time your
Attention they're
Mine or they
Have been
It's not fair
To you
To be so full of fear
Always needing to hear that I
Matter
Just leave it
Let
It
Drop

Oh god
I can't stop
And I know that it's this
That will drive you away
And prove my fear right
I must have the last word
I can't give up this fight
This fight doesn't matter
Fuck
Shit
Please
Shut
The
Fuck
Up

Free to go
But please
Don't
I'm changing
I'm learning
It's so
Hard
To change
And you're
Free to go
But please
Don't
I'm changing
I'm learning
It's so
Hard
To change
And you're
(if I don't change I'll die)
Free to go
But please
Don't
I'm changing
I'm learning
It's so
Hard
To change
And you're
(if I don't change I'll die)
Free to go
But please
Don't
I'm changing
I'm learning
It's so
Hard
To change
And you're
(if I don't change I'll die)

Saturday, February 2, 2013

Melt

Fingers wrapped tightly
Stiff knuckles
Cracked skin
The sound of lakes freezing
Pry them open and loose
Melt

Monday, January 28, 2013

The Waiting

The train never comes. The whole idea that trains operate on schedules and arrive at designated times (or even eventually) is a myth.

The other train comes. The one going in the direction opposite of your intent arrives and subsequently departs every five minutes. And if that train comes then your train MUST come. After all, there ARE trains. Trains exist... and come.

But your train never comes.

Still, you sit in the station and wait, while a dirty man retches enthusiastically in a corner. Happy Fucking New Year.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Explosion

Some explosion
Some creative explosion
Something
Something
When I trust myself
Destroying
Something will happen
Maybe next time
But no, right now!
It's happening now!
But for these walls
I can jump to see over
I can press my ear to hear…
Something
What is it?
What IS it?
There on the other side
It's mine
Like the walls
Destroy them!
I want fresh breeze and freedom
I want the horizon
But I'm safe
What good is safe?
What good?
No good
Good for hiding
Good for dying
Good for nothing
But I'm so angry!
Angry and afraid
More angry than afraid
Bored and fed up
Manic
Unfocused
Wasteful
Frustrated
Frustrated
Frustrated
Something will give
Something will change
Is changing
Is happening now
Will happen
There's more on that horizon
And beyond it
It stretches on forever
There's good and awe to fill a whole life
A million lives
All lives forever and always
Find it
Find it
Find it
Find it
Find it
Always

Stop killing yourself
Stop killing yourself
Wake up
Aware
Here
Now
Life is now
This is the edge of existence
Hold on!
And let go
Let go
Fall
Fly
Fall
Live
Die
There is nothing else
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