"I don't want you to be the one that broke me. You don't deserve that distinction, as you are decidedly undistinguished. But it's true that I've changed since experiencing that traumatic switch in your binary affections. I used to have so much heart. My heart was in everything I did. I came to this conclusion in a backwards way as my first realization was that 'my heart isn't in it' anymore. Even my consuming emptiness seems comical and absurd to me because, honestly, who cares, darling, have another drink.
"You nearly destroyed me. Or I nearly destroyed me after you left. Death had me by the throat, but I chose life. Now death has given up the chase but life continues to elude me. Life, darling. Love and pain and joy and laughter and tears and dancing and sex and fear and fatigue. I exist impossibly, somewhere in limbo. I am a body with a mind and emotions and desires and the instinct to survive, but no heart, no heart at all. Death holds my heart (not you, beloved swine, you hold only my pearls), and he will collect the rest of me.
"But not
"yet.
"And in the meantime you will not be allowed to inflate your ego on the gassy satisfaction of having ruined me. I will live on, if only out of spite for you. I will love to the depths of my blank, empty, heartless hole. I will pursue the heights of aliveness to my very last breath. And if I ever see you again, I will kill you."
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