Hell

I woke up in a white room. No, that's not right. I regained awareness. I was sitting up. I hadn't been asleep. I don't know where I had been.

I was sitting on a ledge. My feet didn't touch the floor, but I wasn't high up. I could hop down easily if I wanted to. For the moment I stayed put.

The room was incredibly white. Bright. Very clean. It was about the size of the kind of closet that would call itself a walk-in if it was vain and grandiose in thought. Closets don't usually think though. There were no doors or windows. There was no visible light source… despite the brightness.

What the fuck.

Directly across from me there was a rack hung with a random assortment of coats. Each hanger had a little numbered ticket on it. The room had no doors or windows. I must have crawled in through the… huh, no vent. Where did the coats come from?

I waited for an indeterminate amount of time.

Nothing changed.

I gradually became aware of an uncomfortable urge to urinate.

...

"Hello?"

...

I jumped down from my seated perch to further investigate my situation. There wasn't much to find. The room was smooth and featureless. White. Still no windows, no doors, no vents, no loose tiles or floorboards, no trapdoors, no secret passageways behind tapestries or paintings, no tapestries or paintings for secret passageways to hide behind.

No toilet.

Goddamn I had to pee.

At this point I knew it was futile, but at this point I had figured I may be trapped for a while so I kept searching. I didn't want to be swimming in a puddle of pee. So, anything. A sink, a bucket, a wad of paper towels, a wine glass, a helmet, napkins, a hole in the ground, a spade to dig a hole, a makeshift crowbar, a battering ram, a plastic bag, ANYTHING!

...

"Heeeyyy!!! Anyone there? I GOTTA PEE LET ME OUTTA HERE!!!!!"

Ugh, I felt like I was going to explode. I tried not to think about it. My bladder bursting and liquid waste spreading infection through my pelvic region. All that acidic yellow invading my bloodstream and going to my brain. Oh god.

"GODDAMMIT LET ME THE HELL OUTTA HERE, CAN'T ANYBODY HEAR ME?!?!?!?!?!"

...

Silence.

What the fuck?!

...

Coats. Coats are absorbent.

The thought was hardly formed in my brain before I vaulted myself at the coat rack, ripping coats off hangers and piling them on the floor. Once I had a reasonable pile in the corner of the room (slightly bowl-shaped, with the most absorbent materials on top, I'm no fool), I unzipped, pulled down, and squatted.

Oh thank god! Bliss beyond any measure. Golden relief shining down from heaven. Orgasmic in magnitude, magnificent in ecstasy! My life had been saved! Jesus himself swam before my eyes, blessing me, offering me absolution for my manifold sin of "holding it."

The glowing stream of divine love and forgiveness gradually abated. And there was silence.

Silence.

Then voices. Far off at first, but getting closer. "Just give me a second to find my ticket," "Yeah, I just want to get my jacket, can I get my jacket?" "It's the black wool peacoat with fancy buttons..."

I looked down.

There on top of the pile, soaked in the aftermath of my explosive jet of urine... Black, wool, peacoat. Fancy buttons.

Oh.

Shit.

Their faces started coming out of the walls. They were angry. They could smell my shame. I ran, my pants still around my ankles. There was nowhere to run, but somehow I kept going. The room must have been stretching. But they were always just behind me, snapping at my heels. Finally I tripped. It had to happen. It was a miracle I made it as far as I did, with nowhere to go, and hobbled by pee-pants. The faces came at me from the walls, screaming and snapping!

"NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!"

And I woke up.

I woke up in a white room. No, that's not right. I regained awareness. I was sitting up. I hadn't been asleep. I don't know where I had been...