Ceci n'est pas une pipe.

- So, remember last time we saw each other?
- Yeah.
- And I was all depressed?
- You were? I don't remember that.
- Yeah, I had just found out about ___ moving here and I was talking about wanting a family and being all cynical about, well, not just dating, but like, connecting with people.
- Yeah, I remember you talking about that, but you didn't seem too terribly depressed. I mean, you smiled too.
- I was pretty low, I'm glad if it didn't come across too strongly though. Anyway, turns out I was pregnant.
- Really.
- Ahhhhhh, yup.
- What… wow. What happened?
- I'm not really sure, might've been that painter, or the investor guy I was telling you about. Thing is we used condoms, you know. So, I mean, I guess there was spillage or something, I'm not sure.
- But I mean, you don't look… what did you do?
- Haha, what do you think? It was pretty unpleasant too. But I had just gotten, like, subsidized family planning insurance so at least it didn't cost me an arm and a leg. But yeah, I caught it early enough to do a non surgical pill thing and it was hell. I was so… sick doesn't even begin to cover it. For days.
- Wow, that's… but were you able to talk to these guys about it?
- No. I haven't said anything to either one of them. I feel like that's unfair of me, like I shouldn't make that decision without their input, but I don't know whose it is, which complicates matters. And I don't really have another option so it's pointless trying to argue it if one of them wants to keep it or put it up for adoption when it might not even be his so what say does he really have anyway?
- Something like that happened to me once.
- Yeah? D'you feel like sharing?
- Well, it was difficult. She didn't tell me, I didn't find out until much later. And, as you know, I don't want children. And I didn't then. But it was difficult being entirely excluded from that decision. And then hearing about it sort of secondhand.
- Wow, you're making me feel like a horrible person, haha.
- Well, just make sure your guys don't find * out about it.
- No, I totally made that up and I feel kinda bad.
- You made up…?
- Yeah, I was never pregnant, I made that up just now. But you've got this real story about that, so I kinda feel like an asshole, I'm sorry.
- It's alright.
- Ok, thank you. But you want to know something true?
- Yeah, alright.
- Remember that asterisk that interrupted you a bit ago?
- Yeah.
- Ok, I was writing this story/dialogue thing, the one we're having right now, on the notepad app on my iphone during some coat check downtime at the club on the painfully slow Wednesday night after Valentine's Day. And that asterisk was where the deja vu hit me. And I realized that I had written down the wrong dream.
- What do you mean?
- Hold on, I'm getting there. So these two guys came within view of my coat check window right when I had gotten to the asterisk point in the text (the asterisk wasn't there yet, I added it later) and they were checking out the pinball machine and I was looking at them and wondering if I had seen them there before, because, you know, they looked familiar. And I said, with my mind still half in abortion story land, can I take your coats? And the pretty one said, no, we're just waiting for a friend. To which I replied, casually, that's cool, do your thing. And then I remembered that I had dreamed all that because after I woke up, or as I was waking up, and the details were all fuzzy, I remember thinking, I would NEVER be having an abortion/pregnancy conversation with ____. Why would I be having that conversation? But I was thinking that because it had that weird predictive dream quality so I thought, you know, maybe I should write it down. But I didn't until right now. And I haven't actually had that conversation with you anyway. This is all fictional.
- This is true. We will probably never have this conversation. So, you dreamed the conversation? What does that have to do with those guys at coat check?
- Oh, I dreamed I was writing everything down and got interrupted by those guys. That's why they looked familiar.
- What made you decide to write it in the first place? In real life, I mean.
- Hmm, good question.
- It's maybe a little strange that you're making up stories about telling me made up stories about you having a pregnancy adventure.
- Well, I just started the pill again so I've been very aware of my body being sort of fooled into thinking it's pregnant. And I had just come out of that depression (rather suddenly, when I woke up on Valentine's Day, which was actually quite inappropriately timed, but whatever) which I was kinda thinking might be at least somewhat related to the hormones, and then my brain started making up this scenario (as I was walking to work) where my depression and longing for family turned out to be a direct result of pregnancy hormones. Anyway I thought about writing it down and realized that the only point of the whole pregnancy story was that it wasn't true. So it started as a lie, then became a dream, and then it went all meta. And now it's incredibly one-sided and rather pointless.
- That's a good point. I haven't said anything for a while, and most of my speeches have been just encouraging you to elaborate. Or to show I'm listening. My own abortion story was woefully limited.
- Yeah… I apologize for that. I'm very wary of making you up too much since you're a real person whose real personality interests me a great deal. Particularly because I don't know very much about it... you. For someone whose job it is to demystify some of the most baffling mysteries of the universe, you are very mysterious. There, I'm doing it anyway, I can't help it. You need to say something now.
- Would you like anything? A glass of wine?
- Yes. You? I'll get it. I owe you from before anyway.
- Oh! Well that's very nice of you.
- It's the least I can do. I've been using you heavily as semi-fictional inspiration. I'm really just trying to wiggle my way out of paying you royalties if any of this ever gets published. Or produced, if it's a play.
- Fair enough. I'll have the house red. What dream DID you write down?
- What? Oh, the wrong dream. Oh, it was weird. Totally non-predictive. Just very vibrant.
- Is it a secret then?
- Ha, if I say yes, you'll think much more of it than you should. But I'd still rather not tell you. Not even this imaginary you.
- So I'm in it then?
- Again, if I say yes, you'll think too much of it, but yes, you are. Saying very enigmatic things. Like the mysterious demystifier I've made you out to be.
- Maybe you'll tell me one day.
- No, it's been built up too much. But that's ok. You'll forget this conversation.
- How can I if we've never had it to begin with? That's a bit unfair, you know.
- What's unfair?
- Well, you having conversations with me that I'm not actually a part of. Whether you mean to or not you're developing and sort of nurturing this relationship with me that I don't know anything about. And on the one hand it is rather flattering, but on the other hand it gets in the way a bit of us developing a genuine friendship, doesn't it? I mean, even if your imaginary version of me is extraordinarily accurate, you will have had many more conversations with me than I have had with you. You're leaving me behind, leaving me OUT.
- This mirrors your abortion story, doesn't it?
- Yeah, that was some nice foreshadowing, was that intentional?
- No, it was a random stroke of genius.
- Very good.
- Thank you, Doctor Professor.
- But even that helps to solidify this symbolic connection between us that really hasn't had the chance to develop in real life. You made up this event in my personal history that foreshadowed, however accidentally, the opinions I'm expressing now, that you're also making up. You know me so well already that we can't get to know each other.
- I take your point. So where do we go from here?
- Well, I probably need to get back to work. Perhaps you'd like to find a new direction for your creative energies, since focusing on relationships seems to be making you unhappy.
- You've ruined my life.
- I know, and I'm sorry. But I really had nothing to do with it. See you again soon.